What can I do now?
It has happened. The fateful moment that might have been forecasted is here. You find yourself alone; your other half is not there anymore. You used to do everything together and now each one is on a different path. Furthermore, shared custody of the kids is probably your reality now. In my point of view, that shared custody is actually a gift for everybody…but more on that later. Like everything in my blog, this article about the best things to do after a breakup is meant to provide life and dating tools to newly single parents who feel devastated and are in need of direction in order to rebuild themselves.
Reassess who you are
Indeed this one might be cliché nevertheless there’s a lot of truth in this statement. After years of being in couple, we tend to lose ourselves in each other and what was once I became more and more us. The reassessment period is utterly important. Evidently, a single parent and a man/woman nevertheless it is more important to delve deeper.
Who am I as a person? Ask yourself that question as many times as possible, it will help realign your thoughts. At first, it might be difficult to answer that seemingly easy question but don’t fret, it’s perfectly normal. There is no right or wrong answers there’s only a short path to rebuilding yourself and a long path. The objective is to be able to define yourself as succinctly as possible. Doing this will help the rebuilding process because there’s no moving forward if it’s too arduous to ascertain who you are. Act like a lemur who stops and raises his head every once in a while in order to re-evaluate his surroundings. Stopping and evaluating ourselves provides us with a general view of where we are and where we want to be.
Indeed, with our fast-paced lifestyle, it’s easy to simply lower our heads and brush aside the issues that need to be tackled immediately. I know your undivided attention will be required on many fronts i.e. the kids, your job, your family and possibly your ex-partner. Now that you’re single, it’s the best time to stop, reassess and define yourself or else you’re bound to run around in circles and make the same mistakes.
Go on a trip alone with your kids
You might be used to being with your ex-partner all the time nevertheless do not forget that your kids are also used to seeing the family nucleus intact. Unfortunately, in these situations the kids are usually the ones we forget about. It must not be like that and if it’s your case, immediate action is necessary in order to correct that situation.
Take all the time necessary to reconnect with your kids. Spend time with them as much as possible. It will help them work through that new reality and most importantly be helpful for you as well. The breakup might still be fresh and the worst thing to do is mope while the only thing your kids long for is your attention. To go on a trip alone with your kids is a perfect opportunity to reconnect with them and for the entire nucleus to share and create new memories. These new memories will serve as anchors along the path to rebuilding yourself.
To go on a trip alone with your kids will help with the reconnection process and it will help create unforgettable memories that will strengthen the bond.
See a therapist
Whenever I mention to my friends that at one point in my life I had to see a psychologist because I had lost track of who I was, I usually get the same incredulous stare. As if I was mentally ill or disturbed. Seeing a therapist has been tremendously helpful and not a day goes by that I regret my decision. I’m still surprised that in 2019, there’s a certain taboo as to consulting a professional. In my opinion, it’s one of the most underestimated things to do.
You get to talk incessantly about your problems and there’s no need to even listen to his share of issues…Wow! On a more serious note, it allows one to speak freely to somebody who is not there to judge but to provide self-analysis. A certified professional that has a completely outside view of your life and that will serve as a guide towards a new and better you. Don’t go there thinking that the therapist will solve all your problems, I think that’s an unrealistic expectation. What can be done on the other hand is to go there with an open mind and a real willingness to improve.
There’s a time for everything and everything in due time. Like any other advice that I’m giving, it’s not necessary to rush through them but to let them come and it’s especially true in the case of the therapist. You might not be ready to consult one nonetheless do not discard the idea.
Invest time in yourself and your kids
The common thread in these ideas is that it’s important to take time for yourself and your kids. They’re the most important things in your life right now. You used to do everything with your ex-partner but not anymore. It would be easy to go all out, party and try to bury your pain deep or start drinking in order to achieve the same thing be that as it may I strongly advise against doing that. It will not resolve anything and only delay the inevitable all-important introspection as well as create more insecurity for your kids.
1. Reassess who you are.
a. That means to be able to define yourself in the most succinct way possible. Who are you now as a person, as a single entity and not part of a couple anymore?
2. Go on a trip alone with your kids.
. Create new memories that will help solidify the bond you share with your kids. These memories will serve as anchors along the path to rebuilding yourself. It doesn’t have to be an exotic trip just a new experience with the family will suffice.
3. See a therapist
. One of the most underrated actions to take yet an omnipresent pillar in the rebuilding process. Find a therapist with who a strong rapport is felt because he/she will play a pivotal role not only immediately but probably for the most part of your life. Just to be able to speak freely to someone uninvolved is truly liberating and I strongly encourage anybody to give it a try when ready.
Each of these advices is of equal importance and is not necessarily in order. What is important is that it’s imperative to let these steps come. The worst thing to do is to rush through the healing period and pretend that we’re omnipotent and omniscient. Pulling through without any self-apperception can be done albeit it can be quite difficult. Follow these steps in whichever order, take your time and enjoy each one of them. If need be, you can always refer to my other article: « How to let go after a break up in 4 easy steps – A Survival Guide».
Please don’t forget to leave any comments or questions you might have below and it will be my pleasure to continue the conversation.